1 00:00:01,349 --> 00:00:02,959 - So what's this called? - Let me guess-- 2 00:00:03,046 --> 00:00:04,526 burnt figgy pudding left in the oven. 3 00:00:04,613 --> 00:00:06,745 - 1970s Christmas-era lights short-circuited 4 00:00:06,832 --> 00:00:09,226 and burst into flames. Call 'em Ho-Ho-Homewreckers. 5 00:00:09,313 --> 00:00:11,576 - Guy tries to climb down the chimney, gets stuck. 6 00:00:11,663 --> 00:00:13,056 - I bet that's the most common one. 7 00:00:13,143 --> 00:00:15,276 - It's a classic. [knocking on door] 8 00:00:15,363 --> 00:00:16,973 - Take it out of your mouth! Take it out! 9 00:00:17,060 --> 00:00:18,757 - Whoa. - Be cool! 10 00:00:18,844 --> 00:00:20,194 Hey, how's-- 11 00:00:20,281 --> 00:00:21,847 Season's greetings. - How are ya? 12 00:00:21,934 --> 00:00:23,719 Everything okay? - Did you call the fire d-- 13 00:00:23,806 --> 00:00:25,895 - I called, I called, yeah. - Mrs. Santa called. 14 00:00:25,982 --> 00:00:27,829 - Is there's an emergency? - There's an emergency. 15 00:00:27,853 --> 00:00:29,396 - What happened? - Yuletide stuff--you know. 16 00:00:29,420 --> 00:00:30,900 - Yuletide? - You know, celebrating 17 00:00:30,987 --> 00:00:33,163 the season. - You want us to come in, sir? 18 00:00:33,250 --> 00:00:34,836 - Please come in. Welcome to Santa's workshop. 19 00:00:34,860 --> 00:00:36,601 - All righty. What do we got here? 20 00:00:36,688 --> 00:00:38,188 - Having a little party, huh? - Welcome to our humble 21 00:00:38,212 --> 00:00:39,865 Christmas cottage-- 22 00:00:39,952 --> 00:00:41,626 the land of magic and dreams. - Got an emergency call. 23 00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:43,826 What's the problem? - That would be about Norman. 24 00:00:43,913 --> 00:00:45,871 - Is that Norman? - No, that's J.P. 25 00:00:45,958 --> 00:00:48,918 He's just chillaxin'. - Then...where's Norman? 26 00:00:49,005 --> 00:00:51,268 - Ho ho! [singsong] Wasted! 27 00:00:53,401 --> 00:00:54,880 [chortling] 28 00:00:54,967 --> 00:00:57,492 - He had too much fondue. We think he... 29 00:00:57,579 --> 00:00:59,102 O.D.ed. 30 00:00:59,189 --> 00:01:01,496 - What was in the fondue? - Oh, Swiss cheese, 31 00:01:01,583 --> 00:01:03,498 white wine, garlic, 32 00:01:03,585 --> 00:01:06,109 uh...25 hits of ecstasy. 33 00:01:06,196 --> 00:01:09,112 - That is a molly jolly Christmas right there! 34 00:01:09,199 --> 00:01:11,375 Let me catch...Norman. 35 00:01:11,462 --> 00:01:14,161 - Thanks, Granny. 36 00:01:14,248 --> 00:01:16,163 - Hey, man, come here. Come here! 37 00:01:16,250 --> 00:01:18,382 - What kinda party is this? 38 00:01:18,469 --> 00:01:20,297 - It's a Santa-themed swinger's party. 39 00:01:20,384 --> 00:01:22,343 - This is a Christmas orgy? 40 00:01:22,430 --> 00:01:24,780 - We drink eggnog and have sex. 41 00:01:24,867 --> 00:01:26,825 - Okay. - [sniffs, gags] 42 00:01:26,912 --> 00:01:28,566 - Do you like my wreath? My mom made it. 43 00:01:28,653 --> 00:01:30,351 - You know what? Norman's fine. 44 00:01:30,438 --> 00:01:32,527 You know, just, uh, make sure he's not dehydrated 45 00:01:32,614 --> 00:01:34,355 and no more fondue! 46 00:01:34,442 --> 00:01:37,358 - Well, you're all welcome to stick around for a while. 47 00:01:37,445 --> 00:01:39,664 - Why don't we mingle our ho-ho-hos 48 00:01:39,751 --> 00:01:41,536 with your hose, hose, hose? 49 00:01:41,623 --> 00:01:44,191 - No, no, no. Dash away, all! 50 00:01:44,278 --> 00:01:45,757 - Everybody's welcome, you guys. 51 00:01:45,844 --> 00:01:47,387 - I'll stuff your stockings! [door slams] 52 00:01:47,411 --> 00:01:49,761 - I think you came on a little too strong. 53 00:01:49,848 --> 00:01:53,069 [rock music] 54 00:01:53,156 --> 00:01:58,248 ♪ ♪ 55 00:01:58,335 --> 00:01:59,771 - ♪ The fire's out ♪ 56 00:01:59,858 --> 00:02:03,123 ♪ Now you wanna be ♪ 57 00:02:03,210 --> 00:02:05,473 ♪ Where the laughs are free ♪ 58 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:08,911 ♪ Tacoma FD ♪ 59 00:02:10,260 --> 00:02:12,306 [overlapping chatter] - Hey! 60 00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:13,872 [laughter] 61 00:02:13,959 --> 00:02:15,570 - ♪ Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells ♪ 62 00:02:15,657 --> 00:02:17,267 ♪ Jingle all the balls ♪ 63 00:02:17,354 --> 00:02:20,183 - Ho ho ho, huh? Another year and it still fits. 64 00:02:20,270 --> 00:02:22,446 - It's a Christmas miracle! 65 00:02:22,533 --> 00:02:24,413 - Merry Christmas, everybody. - Merry Christmas! 66 00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:26,363 - Ho ho ho ho! 67 00:02:26,450 --> 00:02:27,712 [record scratches] 68 00:02:28,844 --> 00:02:30,062 - Oh--whoa! - Hey! 69 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,586 - God's sakes, will you people 70 00:02:31,673 --> 00:02:33,414 give this Christmas bullshit a rest? 71 00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:35,503 I'm trying to do your year-end evaluations, 72 00:02:35,590 --> 00:02:37,722 and I can't hear myself think! 73 00:02:37,809 --> 00:02:40,986 - Okay. - Ho ho ho, boy, huh? 74 00:02:41,073 --> 00:02:43,337 Who pissed in his Cheerios? 75 00:02:43,424 --> 00:02:45,469 [record scratch, music resumes] - Noice! 76 00:02:45,556 --> 00:02:47,819 - I'm in favor of the music, guys, just so you know. 77 00:02:47,906 --> 00:02:49,536 - Hey, Chief, you ever consider giving him this week off? 78 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:51,823 He's always a wet blanket on the holidays. 79 00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:53,477 - Yeah. He's always in a bad mood, 80 00:02:53,564 --> 00:02:55,455 and it's always when he does our year-end reviews. 81 00:02:55,479 --> 00:02:57,829 Every December, we get Scrooged on the write-up. 82 00:02:57,916 --> 00:03:00,136 - We gotta do something about it. 83 00:03:00,223 --> 00:03:02,399 - ♪ Hey, fa-la-la la-la-la-la ♪ 84 00:03:02,486 --> 00:03:04,401 - ♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪ 85 00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:06,186 ♪ Bubba-dubba-doo buh-doo-boo-boo ♪ 86 00:03:06,273 --> 00:03:08,013 ♪ Leigh Weigh sings the Christmas tunes ♪ 87 00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:09,798 ♪ Zubba-dubba-dah bah-doo-buh-boo ♪ 88 00:03:09,885 --> 00:03:11,713 Eddie! Hey, Eddie, come here. 89 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,038 [clicks music off] You get a present yet 90 00:03:13,062 --> 00:03:14,542 for the Yankee Swap? - Yeah. 91 00:03:14,629 --> 00:03:16,718 I found a half-empty bottle of dandruff shampoo 92 00:03:16,805 --> 00:03:18,894 in my locker--I'm gonna pop an ugly green bow on it. 93 00:03:18,981 --> 00:03:20,200 - Okay. Well, you know what? 94 00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:21,612 I'm gonna at lunchtime and get a gift. 95 00:03:21,636 --> 00:03:23,464 I can get two and say one's from you. 96 00:03:23,551 --> 00:03:25,137 - Oh, cool--you can wrap mine and hand it out for me too. 97 00:03:25,161 --> 00:03:27,424 - Ha ha. You don't hand out a gift at the Yankee Swap. 98 00:03:27,511 --> 00:03:29,600 Each person picks a number, then they pick a gift. 99 00:03:29,687 --> 00:03:31,689 So let's say I go first and you go second. 100 00:03:31,776 --> 00:03:33,865 I open my gift, then you open yours. 101 00:03:33,952 --> 00:03:36,477 You have the option of deciding to keep your gift 102 00:03:36,564 --> 00:03:38,348 or stealing mine, but look out-- 103 00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:39,654 - [snoring] - Anyone who hasn't 104 00:03:39,741 --> 00:03:40,892 picked behind us can pick a gift 105 00:03:40,916 --> 00:03:42,526 of the person in front of them. 106 00:03:42,613 --> 00:03:44,417 So interestingly, the last pick is often the best pick, 107 00:03:44,441 --> 00:03:45,881 and the first pick is the worst pick. 108 00:03:45,921 --> 00:03:48,010 Are you listening to me? - [snoring] 109 00:03:48,097 --> 00:03:49,881 - You're especially humbuggy this year. 110 00:03:49,968 --> 00:03:52,754 What's wrong? - Look at these Christmas cards 111 00:03:52,841 --> 00:03:54,625 from my ex-girlfriends. 112 00:03:54,712 --> 00:03:56,299 Look how happy they are with their happy husbands 113 00:03:56,323 --> 00:03:57,976 and their happy kids. - Oh, yeah, Carla, 114 00:03:58,063 --> 00:04:00,414 the comptroller's office-- I like her. 115 00:04:00,501 --> 00:04:02,021 Oh...Jasmine. She was too good for you. 116 00:04:02,067 --> 00:04:03,306 I don't know why you're getting so worked up. 117 00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:05,027 Half these kids aren't even yours. 118 00:04:05,114 --> 00:04:06,376 [both chuckling] 119 00:04:06,463 --> 00:04:08,160 - That's very funny, Terry. 120 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,269 The fact is, all these women asked me to marry them, 121 00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:11,860 but I turned them all down. 122 00:04:11,947 --> 00:04:13,601 - Yeah, sure you did. - I did. 123 00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:15,187 And every year on Christmas, they send me these cards 124 00:04:15,211 --> 00:04:16,493 to remind me of what I don't have. 125 00:04:16,517 --> 00:04:17,822 - You know what? 126 00:04:17,909 --> 00:04:19,650 You have a bad case of the holiday blues. 127 00:04:19,737 --> 00:04:22,218 - Maybe I do have the holiday blues, Terry. 128 00:04:22,305 --> 00:04:25,743 Or maybe it's that the more obnoxiously jolly you become, 129 00:04:25,830 --> 00:04:27,789 the more obnoxiously crusty I have to be 130 00:04:27,876 --> 00:04:29,747 to create balance in the universe. 131 00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:31,749 - Like Batman and the Joker. - Exactly. 132 00:04:31,836 --> 00:04:33,596 Wait--which one am I? - The Joker, of course. 133 00:04:33,664 --> 00:04:34,772 - But he's the jolly one. - No, he's the bad guy-- 134 00:04:34,796 --> 00:04:36,319 like you. - You think Batman 135 00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:37,973 is jollier than the Joker? 136 00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:39,646 When's the last time you saw Batman smile? 137 00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:41,605 - I don't hang out with Batman, so I can't tell you. 138 00:04:41,629 --> 00:04:43,674 - Maybe it was at The Super Friends Yankee Swap 139 00:04:43,761 --> 00:04:45,633 [funny voice] because he had the last pick! 140 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:48,418 - [laughs] Okay, great. Go do your evaluations, 141 00:04:48,505 --> 00:04:50,942 and go easy on my crew. - They're my crew too. 142 00:04:51,029 --> 00:04:53,118 - Merry Christmas, Eddie! - Eh! 143 00:04:53,205 --> 00:04:54,946 [click] [music resumes] 144 00:04:55,033 --> 00:04:57,819 [singing with Leigh] ♪ O, holy night ♪ 145 00:04:57,906 --> 00:05:01,344 ♪ Leigh Weigh has a great voice ♪ 146 00:05:01,431 --> 00:05:03,085 Oh! - Look at all this stuff. 147 00:05:03,172 --> 00:05:04,652 The kids're gonna go nuts! 148 00:05:04,739 --> 00:05:06,282 - And we might just beat our Toy Drive record. 149 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,872 - Whoa! Let me see that. 150 00:05:07,959 --> 00:05:09,526 - Oh, I forgot. Andy likes dolls. 151 00:05:09,613 --> 00:05:11,615 - No! I mean, yes, but... 152 00:05:11,702 --> 00:05:12,940 look at this one. - "Public defender Darla." 153 00:05:12,964 --> 00:05:14,749 So what? - Look closer. 154 00:05:14,836 --> 00:05:16,794 It's supposed to say Public Defender Darla, 155 00:05:16,881 --> 00:05:19,057 but thanks to a disgruntled print shop employee, 156 00:05:19,144 --> 00:05:20,755 a handful of these babies made it out 157 00:05:20,842 --> 00:05:22,191 with the box misspelled. 158 00:05:22,278 --> 00:05:25,150 - Oh, pubic defender Darla! 159 00:05:25,237 --> 00:05:26,848 Ha ha ha! That's awesome! 160 00:05:26,935 --> 00:05:29,024 - It also makes her tag line especially naughty. 161 00:05:29,111 --> 00:05:31,374 - Oh, dude-- "She'll get you off!" 162 00:05:31,461 --> 00:05:32,984 - Whoever dropped that off had no idea 163 00:05:33,071 --> 00:05:34,911 how valuable it was. - Why, how valuable is it? 164 00:05:34,943 --> 00:05:36,336 - We're talking 165 00:05:36,423 --> 00:05:38,816 this valuable, baby. - $15,000? 166 00:05:38,903 --> 00:05:40,340 - Wait--what? - 15 grand? 167 00:05:40,427 --> 00:05:41,993 We're selling it, right? - No, you guys. 168 00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:43,952 It's not ours to sell. Someone gave this 169 00:05:44,039 --> 00:05:45,519 as a donation for a child. 170 00:05:45,606 --> 00:05:47,303 - Are you kidding me? We're gonna give it 171 00:05:47,390 --> 00:05:49,914 to some drooling kid so he can give it a dumb haircut? 172 00:05:50,001 --> 00:05:51,936 - Hey, we can just take that money and replace that one. 173 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,570 - Ooh! - That is not happening. 174 00:05:53,657 --> 00:05:55,577 - How 'bout this-- we put it with the other toys. 175 00:05:55,616 --> 00:05:57,400 If no kid picks it up, then we sell it, 176 00:05:57,487 --> 00:06:00,447 and the proceeds go towards upgrading the station. 177 00:06:00,534 --> 00:06:02,057 Like with a Christmas party. 178 00:06:02,144 --> 00:06:04,320 - Hey, sounds good! - I don't know, guys. 179 00:06:04,407 --> 00:06:06,298 - I'll take that, Luce. - Give me the doll, Andy! 180 00:06:06,322 --> 00:06:07,430 - We'll sell it! - It's worth 15 grand! 181 00:06:07,454 --> 00:06:08,933 - Give it back! 182 00:06:09,020 --> 00:06:10,544 - It's for the-- - Give me the doll! 183 00:06:10,631 --> 00:06:12,981 - Just look at yourselves. 184 00:06:13,068 --> 00:06:15,462 You are everything that's wrong with Christmas. 185 00:06:15,549 --> 00:06:17,420 Fighting over a doll. 186 00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:19,248 Who's not even that hot. 187 00:06:19,335 --> 00:06:21,990 I'll remember this when I fill out your evaluations. 188 00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:23,818 Hope you all enjoy getting lumps of coal 189 00:06:23,905 --> 00:06:26,560 in your stockings. 190 00:06:26,647 --> 00:06:28,605 - Whew! Tell you what, 191 00:06:28,692 --> 00:06:31,086 if we don't inject some comfort and joy into Cap, 192 00:06:31,173 --> 00:06:33,262 we're all gonna take it up the chimney this year. 193 00:06:33,349 --> 00:06:34,655 - We need a Christmas miracle. 194 00:06:34,742 --> 00:06:36,526 - You said it. 195 00:06:36,613 --> 00:06:38,006 [melancholy music] 196 00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:39,790 - Things were lookin' mighty grim 197 00:06:39,877 --> 00:06:41,618 for our firefighters. 198 00:06:41,705 --> 00:06:43,185 They needed to lift 199 00:06:43,272 --> 00:06:46,536 Captain Penisi's holiday spirits--and fast. 200 00:06:46,623 --> 00:06:49,191 And what about that valuable doll? 201 00:06:49,278 --> 00:06:52,760 I mean, shit, talk about an ethnical conundrum. 202 00:06:52,847 --> 00:06:57,068 Ha. I don't envy Andy, Lucy, Ike, or Granny. 203 00:06:57,155 --> 00:06:59,810 I wonder how it'll all work out. 204 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,597 [suspenseful music] 205 00:07:03,684 --> 00:07:07,818 - You know, guys, $15,000 split three ways 206 00:07:07,905 --> 00:07:09,733 is a lotta money! 207 00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:12,606 - [whispers] It's like 4 grand a guy. 208 00:07:12,693 --> 00:07:14,259 - No, it's exactly $5,000. 209 00:07:14,346 --> 00:07:16,174 - Whatever. - Can you not do math? 210 00:07:16,261 --> 00:07:17,785 - Yes, I can do math. 211 00:07:17,872 --> 00:07:19,415 I just can't do math and wink at the same time. 212 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,136 - What are you winkin' for? - Just sayin'-- 213 00:07:21,223 --> 00:07:22,809 it's a lotta money, boys, it's almost like 214 00:07:22,833 --> 00:07:24,313 between 4 and 5 grand apiece. 215 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:27,229 - It's not between that. - It's $5,000 exactly. 216 00:07:27,316 --> 00:07:28,970 - Spilt three ways, evenly. 217 00:07:29,057 --> 00:07:31,538 We'll figure out the exact numbers later. 218 00:07:31,625 --> 00:07:33,148 - Guys. both: hey! 219 00:07:33,235 --> 00:07:34,541 - What are we gonna do about Cap? 220 00:07:34,628 --> 00:07:36,083 How do you inject the Christmas spirit 221 00:07:36,107 --> 00:07:37,979 into someone who hates Christmas? 222 00:07:38,066 --> 00:07:40,634 - We need to remind him what Christmas is really all about. 223 00:07:40,721 --> 00:07:42,321 - Hey, how we lookin'? Are we gonna break 224 00:07:42,374 --> 00:07:44,091 the Toy Drive record this year? - I bet we get 225 00:07:44,115 --> 00:07:45,397 300 families this year. - That's why we do it. 226 00:07:45,421 --> 00:07:46,746 Spreading the Christmas spirit, right? 227 00:07:46,770 --> 00:07:48,206 all: Yeah! - Speaking of which, 228 00:07:48,293 --> 00:07:49,643 we got a family coming over here. 229 00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:51,098 Their Christmas tree caught on fire. 230 00:07:51,122 --> 00:07:52,820 Burnt down half their house. - Oh... 231 00:07:52,907 --> 00:07:54,604 - Burnt up all the presents for their kid. 232 00:07:54,691 --> 00:07:56,582 So we're gonna let the little fellow come over here 233 00:07:56,606 --> 00:07:57,912 and pick out some toys. 234 00:07:57,999 --> 00:07:59,696 It's gonna be a beautiful moment. 235 00:07:59,783 --> 00:08:01,263 - That sounds really Christmassy. 236 00:08:01,350 --> 00:08:02,762 - Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking? 237 00:08:02,786 --> 00:08:04,614 - I think...so? 238 00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:07,225 - Oh, shh, here he is. - Okay. What do you want? 239 00:08:07,312 --> 00:08:08,575 - We know you're busy, 240 00:08:08,662 --> 00:08:10,315 but we wanted you to witness 241 00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:13,405 this beautiful display of Yuletide generosity. 242 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,407 - And goodwill to the less fortunate. 243 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,148 - And tidings of great joy. 244 00:08:17,235 --> 00:08:19,107 - And tidings... 245 00:08:21,892 --> 00:08:23,894 Shepherds flocked to-- 246 00:08:23,981 --> 00:08:25,417 - Okay. 247 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,028 - Here we go, guys. - Ooh! 248 00:08:27,115 --> 00:08:29,465 - Oh, for the less fortunate, you said. 249 00:08:29,552 --> 00:08:31,206 - Maybe it's a rental. 250 00:08:31,293 --> 00:08:33,251 - Oh, boy. The kid from the well. 251 00:08:33,338 --> 00:08:35,384 It's Hunter. - What's up, losers? 252 00:08:35,471 --> 00:08:38,039 No such things as Santa, tubby. 253 00:08:38,126 --> 00:08:39,867 - [chuckling] 254 00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:41,956 Sorry about the fire. - Oh, thank you. 255 00:08:42,043 --> 00:08:43,914 You know, it's been so hard on Hunter 256 00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:46,221 commuting to the lake house these last few days. 257 00:08:46,308 --> 00:08:47,614 - [murmurs] Lake house. 258 00:08:47,701 --> 00:08:49,021 Do they know how the fire started? 259 00:08:49,093 --> 00:08:50,573 - Oh, it was Hunter. 260 00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:53,010 Yeah, he put an M-80 in a decorative angel. 261 00:08:53,097 --> 00:08:54,969 - Whew! Kids! [both laughing] 262 00:08:55,056 --> 00:08:56,274 - It's gonna get hard. - Yeah. 263 00:08:56,361 --> 00:08:57,275 - 'Sup, troll doll? 264 00:08:57,362 --> 00:08:58,668 You wanna fight? 265 00:08:58,755 --> 00:09:00,278 - I...don't wanna fight a child. 266 00:09:00,365 --> 00:09:01,821 - These toys suck. - Well, I didn't make 'em. 267 00:09:01,845 --> 00:09:03,325 - I guess I could wrap this in tinfoil 268 00:09:03,412 --> 00:09:04,955 and throw it in the microwave. - No, no, no, no. 269 00:09:04,979 --> 00:09:06,458 - Look how stupid it is. 270 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,186 It's worthless on the collectible circuit. 271 00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:09,655 - Don't crush the box! Please don't crush the box! 272 00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:11,399 - Hey, this baby cries, so you could take it 273 00:09:11,463 --> 00:09:14,162 and you could set it on fire or throw it off a roof or eat it. 274 00:09:14,249 --> 00:09:15,293 - Whatevs. 275 00:09:15,380 --> 00:09:16,556 I'm out. Peace! 276 00:09:16,643 --> 00:09:18,862 Come on, Mom! I'm hungry! 277 00:09:18,949 --> 00:09:20,037 Now! 278 00:09:20,124 --> 00:09:21,343 - Okay, honey! 279 00:09:21,430 --> 00:09:22,823 Thank you for your generosity! 280 00:09:22,910 --> 00:09:24,172 - Hey. - You're welcome, ma'am. 281 00:09:24,259 --> 00:09:26,130 - Wow, you guys, that was beautiful. 282 00:09:26,217 --> 00:09:28,611 Warms the cockles of my heart. 283 00:09:28,698 --> 00:09:30,178 Don't bother me again. 284 00:09:30,265 --> 00:09:33,094 [rock music with jingle bells] 285 00:09:33,181 --> 00:09:36,314 ♪ ♪ 286 00:09:36,401 --> 00:09:38,142 - Knock, knock. Hey, I need your finger. 287 00:09:38,229 --> 00:09:39,642 - Why, you gonna try and make me fart? 288 00:09:39,666 --> 00:09:41,078 - Ha ha, good one. Come on, let's go. 289 00:09:41,102 --> 00:09:43,017 - Oh, I see. I have to stop what I'm doing 290 00:09:43,104 --> 00:09:45,454 to help you wrap a gag gift for your dumb Yankee Swap? 291 00:09:45,541 --> 00:09:47,214 - It's not a gag gift. It's an awesome gift. 292 00:09:47,238 --> 00:09:48,781 And don't ask me to tell you what it is, 293 00:09:48,805 --> 00:09:50,502 'cause I'm not gonna do it. 294 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,026 It's a bidet. 295 00:09:52,113 --> 00:09:53,810 - It shoots water up your butt? - Yeah. 296 00:09:53,897 --> 00:09:55,507 It's a Sunny Tunnel Bidet. 297 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,814 Vicky got me one last month-- changed my life. 298 00:09:57,901 --> 00:09:59,773 There is nothing more soothing 299 00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:01,644 that shooting warm water up your hoo-hoo. 300 00:10:01,731 --> 00:10:03,733 And my toilet paper bills? Never been lower. 301 00:10:03,820 --> 00:10:05,169 This baby pays for itself. 302 00:10:05,256 --> 00:10:06,843 - What are you, in the pocket of Big Bidet? 303 00:10:06,867 --> 00:10:08,695 - I started out at 85 degrees 304 00:10:08,782 --> 00:10:10,914 and then I lowered it to a nice 82 degrees. 305 00:10:11,001 --> 00:10:12,568 Mmm. That's the sweet spot. 306 00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:14,831 - That's absurd--the human rectum cannot differentiate 307 00:10:14,918 --> 00:10:16,920 between 85 and 82 degrees. 308 00:10:17,007 --> 00:10:18,202 - My rectum can tell the different. 309 00:10:18,226 --> 00:10:19,444 - No, it can't! 310 00:10:19,531 --> 00:10:21,055 Assholes don't have feelings. 311 00:10:21,142 --> 00:10:22,404 Get out of my office. 312 00:10:22,491 --> 00:10:25,494 - Merry Christmas, Edward Penisi. 313 00:10:25,581 --> 00:10:27,975 - There's glitter everywhere from your Goddamn ribbon! 314 00:10:29,324 --> 00:10:32,066 - We have to find a way to help Cap. 315 00:10:32,153 --> 00:10:33,458 - Hey, how 'bout this? 316 00:10:33,545 --> 00:10:35,199 20 years ago at Christmas, 317 00:10:35,286 --> 00:10:37,549 Cap delivered a baby when a woman was stuck in traffic. 318 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:40,465 What if we found that kid, brought him to the station, 319 00:10:40,552 --> 00:10:43,686 then we have a heartwarming Christmas reunion. 320 00:10:43,773 --> 00:10:45,209 - That's a really good idea. 321 00:10:45,296 --> 00:10:46,907 - I bet you anything 322 00:10:46,994 --> 00:10:48,754 Granny's trying to cut Lucy in on a two-way deal 323 00:10:48,778 --> 00:10:50,713 to get that Darla doll. - You're being paranoid, man. 324 00:10:50,737 --> 00:10:52,652 That's not what they're... - Wait a sec. 325 00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:54,697 Are you teaming up with them? 326 00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:56,699 Are you trying to cut me outta the score? 327 00:10:56,786 --> 00:10:58,546 - You need to calm down. - No, you need to calm down. 328 00:10:58,570 --> 00:10:59,939 - You're jumpier than a Pepper Jack's whore right now. 329 00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:01,332 You need to reel it in! - Hey, guys. 330 00:11:01,356 --> 00:11:02,594 Granny has a great idea. - Does it involve 331 00:11:02,618 --> 00:11:04,141 waiting until I fall asleep 332 00:11:04,228 --> 00:11:05,665 and then smothering me with a pillow 333 00:11:05,752 --> 00:11:07,512 to take that Darla doll? - Damn it, Andy, no! 334 00:11:07,579 --> 00:11:09,581 - Granny thinks that if we can find the baby 335 00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,061 that Cap delivered 20 years ago, 336 00:11:11,148 --> 00:11:12,802 it might just warm his icy little heart. 337 00:11:12,889 --> 00:11:14,804 - That's a great idea! - It was a good idea. 338 00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:16,371 Turns out the kid got nailed 339 00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:18,112 on various narcotic charges 340 00:11:18,199 --> 00:11:20,592 and then fled to Sweden to join a doomsday cult. 341 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:23,683 - Look at that--in Sweden they call it a "duumsdoy kolt." 342 00:11:23,770 --> 00:11:25,225 - Cap wouldn't know what the kid looked like 343 00:11:25,249 --> 00:11:27,077 20 years from now-- we could just get any dude 344 00:11:27,164 --> 00:11:28,794 to come in here and pretend to be that baby. 345 00:11:28,818 --> 00:11:31,125 - Lucy McConky. That's a good idea. 346 00:11:31,212 --> 00:11:33,431 - Lucy McConky's biggest fault 347 00:11:33,518 --> 00:11:36,478 is her refusal to show proper respect 348 00:11:36,565 --> 00:11:38,306 when addressing her captain. 349 00:11:38,393 --> 00:11:41,004 - Uncle Eddie! Get your ass down here. 350 00:11:41,091 --> 00:11:42,745 It's a Christmas miracle! 351 00:11:42,832 --> 00:11:45,966 ["We Wish You a Merry Christmas" plays] 352 00:11:46,053 --> 00:11:50,579 ♪ ♪ 353 00:11:50,666 --> 00:11:52,842 - Here he is. - Who? Who he? 354 00:11:52,929 --> 00:11:55,062 - Him! He who you delivered as a baby 355 00:11:55,149 --> 00:11:56,869 when his mom was stuck in traffic, remember? 356 00:11:56,933 --> 00:11:58,848 - Captain Penisi, great to see you again. 357 00:11:58,935 --> 00:12:00,328 Mark Budmartin. 358 00:12:00,415 --> 00:12:03,461 - You're the... little Budmartin baby? 359 00:12:03,548 --> 00:12:05,812 [laughs] 360 00:12:09,554 --> 00:12:11,121 Well, look at you. You're all grown up! 361 00:12:11,208 --> 00:12:12,470 [laughing] My God! 362 00:12:12,557 --> 00:12:13,863 What are you doin' here? - Well, 363 00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:15,996 sometimes I... get into a real bad funk 364 00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:18,520 during the holidays. - I do too. 365 00:12:18,607 --> 00:12:20,217 - This morning, I found myself 366 00:12:20,304 --> 00:12:21,891 standing on the edge of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge 367 00:12:21,915 --> 00:12:24,482 looking down, thinking about cashing in. 368 00:12:24,569 --> 00:12:25,962 - Oh... - But then I thought, 369 00:12:26,049 --> 00:12:27,964 "Firefighter Penisi risked his life 370 00:12:28,051 --> 00:12:30,924 "in the middle of traffic to bring me into this world. 371 00:12:31,011 --> 00:12:32,316 I can't let him down!" 372 00:12:32,403 --> 00:12:33,665 So I got off that bridge, 373 00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,319 and the first thing I did 374 00:12:35,406 --> 00:12:37,147 was buy a scratch-off lottery ticket, 375 00:12:37,234 --> 00:12:38,496 and guess what. - What? 376 00:12:38,583 --> 00:12:40,455 - I won $100,000, 377 00:12:40,542 --> 00:12:42,762 which I'm going to use to go to astronaut school 378 00:12:42,849 --> 00:12:44,415 and be the first man on Mars! 379 00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:46,200 - Oh! - [whispers] I wrote that part. 380 00:12:46,287 --> 00:12:47,549 - [whispers] Yeah, no shit. 381 00:12:47,636 --> 00:12:49,507 - Seeing you here today 382 00:12:49,594 --> 00:12:51,858 makes me truly believe 383 00:12:51,945 --> 00:12:54,774 that you made a huge mistake. 384 00:12:55,905 --> 00:12:58,212 - A... what's that now? 385 00:12:58,299 --> 00:13:01,302 - Yeah. You really should have jumped. 386 00:13:01,389 --> 00:13:03,086 - Wha... 387 00:13:03,173 --> 00:13:05,828 - Get lost...loser. 388 00:13:08,483 --> 00:13:10,311 - Son of a bitch, Cap. 389 00:13:10,398 --> 00:13:12,443 - How could you do that? - That was the boy 390 00:13:12,530 --> 00:13:14,881 you brought into this world, as far as you know! 391 00:13:14,968 --> 00:13:16,839 - Do you really think I wouldn't know 392 00:13:16,926 --> 00:13:18,710 that the baby I delivered fled to Sweden 393 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,843 and joined a "duumsdoy kolt"? 394 00:13:20,930 --> 00:13:22,627 - Oops. - I was gonna let you off easy 395 00:13:22,714 --> 00:13:24,368 on those evaluations. 396 00:13:24,455 --> 00:13:26,255 But after that, I'm cranking it up full blast. 397 00:13:26,327 --> 00:13:28,720 - No! - Cap... 398 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:31,419 Astronaut school, dude? 399 00:13:31,506 --> 00:13:33,813 [melancholy music] 400 00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,858 - Who knew that he would keep such close tabs 401 00:13:35,945 --> 00:13:37,555 on the baby he delivered? 402 00:13:37,642 --> 00:13:38,992 - Huh. Hey, guys. 403 00:13:39,079 --> 00:13:41,168 where's the Darla doll? 404 00:13:41,255 --> 00:13:42,734 - What do you mean? - What? 405 00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:45,172 - We put it right here, and now it's gone. 406 00:13:45,259 --> 00:13:47,391 So which one of you took it? - Don't look at me. 407 00:13:47,478 --> 00:13:49,132 I'm the one that wanted to give it away. 408 00:13:49,219 --> 00:13:51,656 - So that means one of you took the doll. 409 00:13:51,743 --> 00:13:55,225 - That's exactly what the real doll thief would say, Granny. 410 00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:58,881 - Which is precisely what the actual doll thief would say, 411 00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:00,535 Andy! - What? 412 00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:03,190 - Which is undoubtedly what the true doll thief 413 00:14:03,277 --> 00:14:04,582 would say, Ike. - Me?! 414 00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:05,975 - Yeah, you. - Obviously! 415 00:14:06,062 --> 00:14:07,672 - No, it ain't! - You guys! 416 00:14:07,759 --> 00:14:09,674 what happened to the Christmas spirit? 417 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:14,462 - The deal was we were gonna split that doll three ways! 418 00:14:14,549 --> 00:14:16,029 That's over 4 grand each! 419 00:14:16,116 --> 00:14:18,248 - 5 grand. - I want that doll on the table 420 00:14:18,335 --> 00:14:20,772 in three minutes. - I want it in 30 seconds. 421 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:23,558 - Damn it, I didn't take it! - I didn't take it either! 422 00:14:23,645 --> 00:14:25,038 - Liar! 423 00:14:25,125 --> 00:14:27,475 ["Sugar Plum Fairy"-like tune] 424 00:14:27,562 --> 00:14:29,956 - Well, if that ain't a heapin' pile of humbug stew, 425 00:14:30,043 --> 00:14:31,696 I don't know what is. 426 00:14:31,783 --> 00:14:33,437 What are the odds that the Eddie 427 00:14:33,524 --> 00:14:35,657 and the Darla doll situations 428 00:14:35,744 --> 00:14:39,661 would hit their lowest points at the exact same time? 429 00:14:39,748 --> 00:14:41,881 Ah, what a world. 430 00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:44,144 I sure hope they can still fix this. 431 00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:49,018 [low-key Christmas music] 432 00:14:49,105 --> 00:14:51,020 - Hey, guys. Time for the Yankee Swap. 433 00:14:51,107 --> 00:14:53,327 - But what about Uncle Eddie? - Look, I have been trying 434 00:14:53,414 --> 00:14:55,044 to shove Christmas cheer down that guy's throat 435 00:14:55,068 --> 00:14:57,157 for 25 years-- he's too far gone. 436 00:14:59,159 --> 00:15:00,900 Come on, it's Christmas Eve! 437 00:15:00,987 --> 00:15:03,076 How 'bout I read "'Twas the Night Before Christmas"? 438 00:15:03,163 --> 00:15:05,097 You love when I do that. - It just doesn't feel right 439 00:15:05,121 --> 00:15:06,577 without Uncle Eddie here. - You're right. 440 00:15:06,601 --> 00:15:08,777 But what else can we do? 441 00:15:08,864 --> 00:15:10,779 [heavy music] 442 00:15:10,866 --> 00:15:12,912 [electric thrumming] 443 00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:19,919 ♪ ♪ 444 00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:21,355 [click] 445 00:15:24,532 --> 00:15:28,492 [heavy music continues] 446 00:15:28,579 --> 00:15:35,499 ♪ ♪ 447 00:15:39,764 --> 00:15:41,897 - [whispers] Yeah. 448 00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:43,768 Ohh. 449 00:15:45,553 --> 00:15:49,470 [voices humming "Hark! the Harald Angels Sing"] 450 00:15:49,557 --> 00:15:53,778 - ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ 451 00:15:53,865 --> 00:15:58,392 ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ 452 00:15:58,479 --> 00:16:02,918 ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ 453 00:16:03,005 --> 00:16:06,835 ♪ Hark the harald angels sing ♪ 454 00:16:06,922 --> 00:16:10,621 ♪ Glory to the newborn king ♪ 455 00:16:10,708 --> 00:16:14,538 ♪ Peace on Earth and mercy mild ♪ 456 00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:18,499 ♪ God and sinners reconciled ♪ 457 00:16:18,586 --> 00:16:20,240 ♪ Joy ♪-- - Shut up, you dorks! 458 00:16:20,327 --> 00:16:22,372 - Cap, we know you hate Christmas, 459 00:16:22,459 --> 00:16:24,219 but we want you to join us for the Gift Swap. 460 00:16:24,287 --> 00:16:26,289 - You think that'll get you a good evaluation? 461 00:16:26,376 --> 00:16:28,161 Bah! - Eddie, the Yankee Swap 462 00:16:28,248 --> 00:16:30,008 is a station event, and you're gonna join us. 463 00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:31,207 And that's an order! 464 00:16:31,294 --> 00:16:33,122 - [sighs] 465 00:16:33,209 --> 00:16:35,081 - Let the swap begin! 466 00:16:35,168 --> 00:16:36,473 - I got number one. - Ah! 467 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,084 - Oh! - Yeah! 468 00:16:38,171 --> 00:16:39,670 - You know what, sometimes that's good. 469 00:16:39,694 --> 00:16:41,174 - He briefed me. First is worst. 470 00:16:41,261 --> 00:16:42,436 - Ah... - Not all the time. 471 00:16:42,523 --> 00:16:45,178 - Uh...whoa. 472 00:16:45,265 --> 00:16:48,529 Two tickets to Seattle/ Arizona, 50-yard line. 473 00:16:48,616 --> 00:16:49,965 - Whoa! - Wow. 474 00:16:50,052 --> 00:16:51,880 - Whose gift is this? Who did this? 475 00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:53,466 - I danced this corporate gig and I hit it off 476 00:16:53,490 --> 00:16:55,164 with the owner's wife, so... - I can't wait 477 00:16:55,188 --> 00:16:56,687 for one of you guys to snag these away from me. 478 00:16:56,711 --> 00:16:58,271 - Hey, you never know, though--I'm next! 479 00:16:58,321 --> 00:17:01,150 Yoink! Cool! 480 00:17:01,237 --> 00:17:02,586 Chubby's Exotic Dance Emporium-- 481 00:17:02,673 --> 00:17:04,371 one VIP lap dance. 482 00:17:04,458 --> 00:17:06,479 Not sure I need this, but-- No, no, it's good for research. 483 00:17:06,503 --> 00:17:09,028 - I know how this works, Ike. 484 00:17:09,115 --> 00:17:10,681 - No, I'm keepin' it. 485 00:17:10,768 --> 00:17:12,379 - Okay. - Oh, look, I'm next. 486 00:17:12,466 --> 00:17:13,945 This one looks fun. 487 00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:17,949 "One free depilation at Alohair Beauty Salon." 488 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,884 - Get it over with, then. That's your family business. 489 00:17:19,908 --> 00:17:21,028 - What're you talking about? 490 00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:22,606 Merry Christmas. Who's next? 491 00:17:22,693 --> 00:17:25,044 - Let me show you dum-dums how to pick a real gift. 492 00:17:25,131 --> 00:17:27,089 - That's a good one. - A Nightmare Manor 493 00:17:27,176 --> 00:17:28,438 Annual Pass. 494 00:17:28,525 --> 00:17:30,310 [laughter] I was banned from 495 00:17:30,397 --> 00:17:34,096 the premises for two years, but it's still a good gift. 496 00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:35,619 - Okay, okay. - I'm gonna go with 497 00:17:35,706 --> 00:17:38,361 this red box. Sweet--moustache wax. 498 00:17:38,448 --> 00:17:40,122 This'll be great for when I have a boyfriend 499 00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:42,713 with a moustache. - Okay, thank you, guys. 500 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,411 I know what you're doin' here. 501 00:17:44,498 --> 00:17:45,890 Thank you. - Yay! 502 00:17:45,977 --> 00:17:47,501 - Hold on. 503 00:17:47,588 --> 00:17:49,807 Santa has not yet had his turn. 504 00:17:49,894 --> 00:17:51,374 If I were to survey the other gifts 505 00:17:51,461 --> 00:17:54,029 that were available to me, 506 00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:56,684 I'm...going to take... 507 00:17:56,771 --> 00:17:58,077 this one. 508 00:17:58,164 --> 00:18:00,079 [chortling] - You kidding me? 509 00:18:00,166 --> 00:18:02,603 - 50-hard line! Hee hee hee hee! 510 00:18:02,690 --> 00:18:03,908 - Chief. - Dad. 511 00:18:03,995 --> 00:18:06,041 - Well, Merry Christmas, buddy. 512 00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:08,217 - Okay, well... - Wait, wait, Cap. 513 00:18:08,304 --> 00:18:10,264 Shouldn't you open your gift? - I know what it is. 514 00:18:10,350 --> 00:18:12,265 It's a bidet--because Christmas is all about 515 00:18:12,352 --> 00:18:14,310 taking it in the pooper. 516 00:18:14,397 --> 00:18:17,139 Some Santa you are. 517 00:18:17,226 --> 00:18:19,533 - Cap, I'm sorry. 518 00:18:19,620 --> 00:18:23,319 - Dad, why did you do that? - 50-yard line! 519 00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:25,756 I mean, really, it's a Yankee Swap--get over it. 520 00:18:25,843 --> 00:18:28,019 [melancholy "Silent Night"] 521 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,107 - Man... 522 00:18:29,151 --> 00:18:31,153 [owl hoots] 523 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,373 [snoring] 524 00:18:33,460 --> 00:18:36,680 - The nicest thing I can say about Granfield Smith 525 00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:39,292 is that he wraps hose with the grace 526 00:18:39,379 --> 00:18:42,121 and speed of a pregnant water buffalo. 527 00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:44,558 [laughing] 528 00:18:44,645 --> 00:18:47,256 And that...finishes it. 529 00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,957 ["Silent Night" continues] 530 00:18:53,044 --> 00:18:57,353 ♪ ♪ 531 00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,659 "Clean in comfort." 532 00:18:58,746 --> 00:19:00,313 Sunny Tunnel Bidet. 533 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,489 Hmm. 534 00:19:02,576 --> 00:19:04,143 Eh, why not? 535 00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:07,146 Here goes nothing. 536 00:19:08,408 --> 00:19:10,671 [water sprays] Ooh! 537 00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:11,758 [splashing] 538 00:19:11,802 --> 00:19:14,979 Ooh hoo hoo hoo ooh! 539 00:19:16,024 --> 00:19:19,593 [loud splashing] Ha ha ha ha ha! 540 00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:21,377 - And in that moment, 541 00:19:21,464 --> 00:19:24,946 feeling the soothing rush of 82-degree toilet water 542 00:19:25,033 --> 00:19:27,383 on his bitter and hardened anus, 543 00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:31,779 Eddie Penisi's heart grew 20 sizes that night. 544 00:19:31,866 --> 00:19:33,172 - [laughing/crying] 545 00:19:33,259 --> 00:19:34,390 I love it! 546 00:19:34,477 --> 00:19:36,218 - I'm too old for this shit. 547 00:19:36,305 --> 00:19:39,090 - What was I thinking? 548 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,702 These people are my family. 549 00:19:41,789 --> 00:19:45,184 But there's no time to do those evaluations over again. 550 00:19:45,271 --> 00:19:47,186 Is there? 551 00:19:47,273 --> 00:19:51,233 [upbeat Christmas melody] 552 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,496 You there, boy, what time is it? 553 00:19:53,583 --> 00:19:55,498 - Almost 5:00 in the morning! 554 00:19:55,585 --> 00:19:58,458 - 5:00? There might just be enough time! 555 00:19:58,545 --> 00:19:59,981 What are you doing running around 556 00:20:00,068 --> 00:20:01,591 at 5:00 on Christmas morning? 557 00:20:01,678 --> 00:20:03,506 - Stealing packages off people's doorsteps! 558 00:20:03,593 --> 00:20:05,334 - Wait--Hunter, is that you? 559 00:20:05,421 --> 00:20:07,641 - Ah, fuck off! - Ha ha ha. 560 00:20:07,728 --> 00:20:09,469 Merry Christmas, Hunter. 561 00:20:09,556 --> 00:20:11,514 Merry Christmas. 562 00:20:11,601 --> 00:20:12,733 - Whatever. 563 00:20:15,170 --> 00:20:17,128 - Oh, something smells good. 564 00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:18,652 - It smells like Christmas. 565 00:20:18,739 --> 00:20:21,263 - It is Christmas, dummy. - Merry Christmas. 566 00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:23,222 - Merry Christmas, guys. 567 00:20:23,309 --> 00:20:25,702 [upbeat "Jingle Bells"] 568 00:20:25,789 --> 00:20:27,704 - Whoa! 569 00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:30,141 - It looks amazing! - Holy-- 570 00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:32,709 [chatter, laughter] 571 00:20:32,796 --> 00:20:34,885 - Merry Christmas, everyone. 572 00:20:34,972 --> 00:20:36,844 - Whoa! What happened here? 573 00:20:36,931 --> 00:20:38,498 - A Christmas miracle. 574 00:20:38,585 --> 00:20:40,302 And here's the cherry on top of the yule log. 575 00:20:40,326 --> 00:20:41,588 Check out your stockings. 576 00:20:41,675 --> 00:20:42,806 - [gasps] Oh! 577 00:20:42,893 --> 00:20:43,981 - Aw, man! 578 00:20:44,068 --> 00:20:45,722 - Did you do all this? 579 00:20:45,809 --> 00:20:47,420 - I did. - Our evaluations! 580 00:20:47,507 --> 00:20:49,335 - "Granfield Smith wraps hose 581 00:20:49,422 --> 00:20:51,772 with the speed and grace of a gazelle"? 582 00:20:51,859 --> 00:20:55,776 - "Andy Myawani--more like dandy guy with two Mommies"? 583 00:20:55,863 --> 00:20:57,821 - It was 5:00 in the morning. - Ike Crystal. 584 00:20:57,908 --> 00:20:59,214 "Satisfactory. 585 00:20:59,301 --> 00:21:01,042 Satisfactory..." 586 00:21:01,129 --> 00:21:02,652 Satisfactory on every one! 587 00:21:02,739 --> 00:21:04,654 Thanks, Cap! [giggling] 588 00:21:04,741 --> 00:21:06,352 - What caused the change of heart, Cap? 589 00:21:06,439 --> 00:21:08,223 - Well, Lucy, I realized it was selfish of me 590 00:21:08,310 --> 00:21:10,510 to tarnish your records because I had the holiday blues. 591 00:21:10,573 --> 00:21:12,662 - Or maybe somebody used his new Christmas gift. 592 00:21:12,749 --> 00:21:14,838 - You're right, Chief. 593 00:21:14,925 --> 00:21:16,797 Your gift taught me a lot last night. 594 00:21:16,884 --> 00:21:20,061 Turns out, assholes do have feelings. 595 00:21:20,148 --> 00:21:21,236 I know this asshole does. 596 00:21:21,323 --> 00:21:23,630 - Aw... - Aw ha ha ha. 597 00:21:23,717 --> 00:21:25,172 - Wait a minute. Did you know the bidet 598 00:21:25,196 --> 00:21:27,068 was gonna have this effect on Cap? 599 00:21:27,155 --> 00:21:29,244 [laughter] 600 00:21:29,331 --> 00:21:31,048 - It looks like there's a new Santa Claus around here. 601 00:21:31,072 --> 00:21:34,075 Or should I say... 602 00:21:35,163 --> 00:21:36,295 Old Taint Nick? 603 00:21:36,382 --> 00:21:39,036 [laughter, cheering] 604 00:21:39,123 --> 00:21:41,343 - Man, the only thing that'd make this day better 605 00:21:41,430 --> 00:21:43,998 is if one of you admitted to stealing that Darla doll. 606 00:21:44,085 --> 00:21:46,174 - I didn't take it, Andy! - No worries, gentlemen. 607 00:21:46,261 --> 00:21:49,003 'Cause I know who did it. - What? Who? 608 00:21:49,090 --> 00:21:51,266 Seriously? - Follow me. 609 00:21:51,353 --> 00:21:52,702 - Why can't you just tell us now? 610 00:21:52,789 --> 00:21:54,748 Go... 611 00:21:54,835 --> 00:21:56,967 boom. - Whoa! 612 00:21:57,054 --> 00:21:59,143 So this whole time it's been Mark Budmartin? 613 00:21:59,230 --> 00:22:00,754 - The actor who played Mark Budmartin. 614 00:22:00,841 --> 00:22:02,756 - I knew that guy was a phony! 615 00:22:02,843 --> 00:22:04,235 - I'm sorry for accusing you. 616 00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:06,194 - Aw, man, it's okay. 617 00:22:06,281 --> 00:22:08,631 - I'm sorry too, fellas. - Take it in. 618 00:22:08,718 --> 00:22:11,895 - Are you guys ready for the genuine Christmas miracle? 619 00:22:11,982 --> 00:22:14,115 That is not the real Darla doll. 620 00:22:14,202 --> 00:22:16,204 - I think it is. - This is the real 621 00:22:16,291 --> 00:22:17,858 Pubic Defender Darla. 622 00:22:17,945 --> 00:22:20,164 When I saw how weird you guys were being about it, 623 00:22:20,251 --> 00:22:21,490 I swapped her out for another Darla. 624 00:22:21,514 --> 00:22:24,821 Merry $15,000 Christmas to us! 625 00:22:24,908 --> 00:22:27,563 - You're kidding, right? - What? I saved Christmas. 626 00:22:27,650 --> 00:22:29,957 - Why don't you read this? - Right here. 627 00:22:30,044 --> 00:22:32,307 - What does it say? "Pubic Defender Darla doll. 628 00:22:32,394 --> 00:22:34,048 M-I-P." What's MIP mean? 629 00:22:34,135 --> 00:22:35,939 - Mint In Package. It means it's an untouched doll 630 00:22:35,963 --> 00:22:37,443 in the original package. 631 00:22:37,530 --> 00:22:40,402 That doll right there is without original package. 632 00:22:40,489 --> 00:22:42,752 - How much is it worth W-O-O-P? 633 00:22:42,839 --> 00:22:44,537 - $122. 634 00:22:44,624 --> 00:22:46,930 - Well, then we're gonna spend that $122 635 00:22:47,017 --> 00:22:48,410 on sugar plums and peppermint bark. 636 00:22:48,497 --> 00:22:50,369 - Yay! - Good for you, Cap! 637 00:22:50,456 --> 00:22:51,979 - Merry Christmas, Cap. 638 00:22:52,066 --> 00:22:54,373 And God bless us... every one. 639 00:22:54,460 --> 00:22:55,809 - Yeah! - Yeah! 640 00:22:57,332 --> 00:22:58,942 - Merry Christmas, ho ho ho. 641 00:22:59,029 --> 00:23:00,746 Who's been good this year? both: Merry Christmas. 642 00:23:00,770 --> 00:23:02,424 - Merry Christmas. I like you guys. 643 00:23:02,511 --> 00:23:03,904 Happy holidays. Merry Christmas. 644 00:23:03,991 --> 00:23:06,559 Hey--314 families. That's a new record! 645 00:23:06,646 --> 00:23:08,561 - Awesome! - Hey guys, come on over. 646 00:23:08,648 --> 00:23:11,607 Chief's gonna read his poem. - Yay! 647 00:23:11,694 --> 00:23:12,956 - Yeah ha ha ha! 648 00:23:13,043 --> 00:23:14,697 Okay, guys. 649 00:23:14,784 --> 00:23:17,570 "'Twas the night before Christmas at Tacoma FD. 650 00:23:17,657 --> 00:23:20,877 "What a year it has been, filled with whimsy and glee. 651 00:23:20,964 --> 00:23:24,054 Chief Terry banned gambling, but it went on, however." 652 00:23:24,141 --> 00:23:26,187 - No it did not, no it did not. - Not really. 653 00:23:26,274 --> 00:23:28,798 - "While a fire in Dildo Town brought enemies together. 654 00:23:28,885 --> 00:23:32,149 "Eddie's dad paid a visit and was nice only to Lucy. 655 00:23:32,236 --> 00:23:35,152 "The guys on the C team turned out to be douchey. 656 00:23:35,239 --> 00:23:36,806 - Big time. - "Cap joined the Fire Choir 657 00:23:36,893 --> 00:23:39,069 by using his lips, and Nightmare Manor 658 00:23:39,156 --> 00:23:41,245 "gave Granny a case of the yips. 659 00:23:41,332 --> 00:23:43,552 - Ha, that was so funny! - Man, I had to lawyer up. 660 00:23:43,639 --> 00:23:45,772 - "Low voice Lucy sounded like Barry White. 661 00:23:45,859 --> 00:23:47,295 "And Ike's brother needed help 662 00:23:47,382 --> 00:23:48,905 "'cause his sperm count was light. 663 00:23:48,992 --> 00:23:50,603 - He was havin' a tough time. 664 00:23:50,690 --> 00:23:53,214 - "Cap grew his hair an incredible length 665 00:23:53,301 --> 00:23:54,581 "while a stray bolt of lightning 666 00:23:54,607 --> 00:23:56,086 gave Andy super strength." 667 00:23:56,173 --> 00:23:57,586 - Wait, wait, wait-- when did that happen? 668 00:23:57,610 --> 00:23:59,655 - I'm just making sure you're awake. 669 00:23:59,742 --> 00:24:01,807 - Ha ha, that didn't happen! - "At the Firemen's Ball 670 00:24:01,831 --> 00:24:03,722 the elevator was stuck." - I don't remember that. 671 00:24:03,746 --> 00:24:05,052 - "And this holiday season, 672 00:24:05,139 --> 00:24:07,054 Eddie learned to give a fuck." 673 00:24:07,141 --> 00:24:08,925 - Thanks to you guys. - That's right. 674 00:24:09,012 --> 00:24:11,972 - So as we wrap up our tale and we ride out of sight... 675 00:24:12,059 --> 00:24:14,235 - Merry Christmas to all, 676 00:24:14,322 --> 00:24:16,498 and to all a good night. 677 00:24:16,585 --> 00:24:18,108 Ain't that right, Darla? 678 00:24:18,195 --> 00:24:20,241 - You said it, Snowman! 679 00:24:20,328 --> 00:24:23,505 - Station 24, man stuck in chimney. 680 00:24:23,592 --> 00:24:25,352 Please respond. - All right, here we go guys! 681 00:24:25,376 --> 00:24:28,858 ♪ ♪